We all have this friend, this amazing human being friend who needs to believe more in themselves and see a little deeper into their true beauty and the magnificent difference they are making in the life of the people who love them for who they are, not necessarily for how they behave, especially when their behaviours are dictated by insecurities.
Maybe this friend is even you…
To let go of any insecurity, we need to understand a few things starting with, “What am I gripping onto that might be emotionally hurting me?”
Maybe it is the fear of being alone, the fear of being rejected, the fear of not being ‘good’ enough… whatever your answer may be, the next step is, “How has this belief served me so far?”
If your answer involves the feeling of anxiety, anger, sadness, resentment, depression, hopelessness, despair, or anything else deemed negative, then maybe you might want to explore with me an effective solution to, “What am I willing to know and do different in order to feel secure within myself?”
Let’s face it, insecurities are a bummer in most people’s life. So many of us have insecurities, yet very few people are willing to openly admit them, which in return triggers even more insecurities to be developed inside. Insecurities are a vicious cycle, do you agree?
But…what if insecurity is nothing but the result of out-to-seek-security?
Allow me to explain…
Most people view insecurity as something that is lacking within themselves. As a result, an insecure person might feel compelled to look outside themselves to fill their emotional void within.
“What is the emotional void that wants to be filled when feeling insecure?”
For most of us, the emotional void that wants to be filled when feeling insecure is the lack of self-love.
When feeling insecure, unable to love ourselves for who we are, we turn externally to others to seek their approval, as if their approval would give us the permission we need to love ourselves for who we are. Sounds crappy, right?
So let’s recap so far…
“What am I gripping onto that might be emotionally hurting me?”
When feeling insecure, we are most likely gripping onto the belief that we are ‘unlovable’ as we are, and therefore ‘must’ become what we think others might want us to be in order to get approval.
“How has this belief served me in the past?”
The belief of deeming ourselves ‘unlovable’ as we are serves us to prove all the sh&% in our life. Maybe we have a father who told us we were ‘stupid’? Maybe our mother implied we were ‘not good enough’? Maybe our peers once labelled us a ‘loser’, a ‘reject’, a ‘nobody’? Whatever belief we attach to ourselves, every time we feel insecure, we get to prove the sh&% either what others have said about us, or what we may believe as ‘true’ about ourselves.
So, what is the solution? How do we stop feeling insecure?
I believe the answer resides in, “what am I willing to know different in order to feel secure within myself?”
Love requires zero approval. We love, just because. If anyone comes to you and says, “Do this for me and I will love you more”, ask yourself, “What makes me bond to this person for approval?” Whatever fear is popping up, feed it self-love, give yourself what you need or want from others.
True friendship requires zero approval. A real friend accepts us for who we are, quirks and all. If anyone comes to you and says, “Do this for me and I’ll be your friend,” ask yourself, “What makes me bond to this person for approval?” Whatever fear is popping up, feed it self-love, give yourself what you need or want from others.
You might now be wondering,
“What makes me bond to another person for approval?”
The answer is, like attracts like, which means that, in order for a person to bond another human being to themselves for approval, they have to have an emotional void within they refuse to fill by themselves first. This is what makes them insecure.
Case at point…
When I met my mentor 3.5 years ago, I was one of the most insecure persons I knew. What I wanted most was his approval, not my own.
I ‘hid’ my insecurities behind grades, diplomas, and certifications.
If I appear intellectually smart, surely I will be liked?
I ‘hid’ my insecurities behind the amount of money I had in the bank.
If I appear financially wealthy, surely I will get respected?
I ‘hid’ my insecurities behind the mask of having children and friends.
If I appear socially okay, surely I will get accepted?
I was a deeply insecure person because I had a father who thought I was stupid, a mother who thought I was not good enough, and many peers who had labelled be as a loser, a reject, a nobody. As a result of their views, I only saw ‘my’ flaws. Over time, tired of being rejected by others, I started rejecting myself instead, to the point where I got massively lost in the world of others’ ‘approval’ and had almost zero self-love left.
When I finally became more honest with myself, I stopped wanting my mentor’s approval. Instead I told him, “I don’t know how to love myself, but I am willing to learn. Teach me.”
Here are 5 magical tips that have since allowed me to become deeply secure within myself.
It is my wish you practice self-love every chance you have got:
Authenticity: Authenticity is about being real, aligning what we believe, say, think, and do. When we are authentic, we attract trust, trust in ourselves, trust from others. Self-love is based on trusting self.
Vulnerability: Vulnerability makes us invulnerable. Vulnerability allows us to see ourselves as we are (flaws and all), we stop pretending, we stop pleasing others for approval. Self-love requires vulnerability.
Genuine Curiosity: To become vulnerable and authentic, we need a genuine desire to know ourselves, to discover who we are, our strengths and our weaknesses. Self-love demands genuine curiosity from the heart.
Compassion: Compassion is the greatest tool when we discover something about us that might be unpleasant to ourselves or others. Without compassion, genuine curiosity turns into self-wounding. Self-wounding is the main culprit for breeding insecurities.
Letting go of the want to be right: It is impossible to be genuinely curious and want to be right at the same time. Genuineness has an element of authenticity, vulnerability and compassion in it. Genuine people really want to know themselves and others without the fear of rejection or judgment (the want to be right).
Now, when it comes to letting go of insecurities:
I practice self-love with myself, my friends, family members:
I practice self-love at the grocery store, at the bank machine, in front of my bathroom mirror:
I practice self-love as I stop procrastinating on deadlines, sleep the hours my body needs, eat healthier foods, drink a proper amount of water daily.
As we practice self-love, insecurities vanish because we are too busy loving our self to truly pay attention to what others might think of us.
Think about it:
How can anyone genuinely approve of any of us if they are unable to love themselves first?
With love & compassion,
About the Author: Anne BEAULIEU is one of Your Monthly Mentors, an international speaker, empowering coach, and thought leader in the field of Emotional Intelligence and the Founder of Walking Inside Resources Inc. based in Vancouver, British Columbia. As an accomplished author and community builder, Anne is a powerful catalyst for positive change and embodies successful life strategies that keep empowering men and women across the globe. Read More…