The After Argument Repair Guide by Derek Hart

Couples will argue. It’s okay. It means you’re engaged with each other and want to connect.  There are 2 things that couples don’t do that make these arguments too hard on the relationship.

  1. They don’t recognize that an argument happened, and that repair is necessary.
  2. Couples don’t know what to do after.

Sit with each other. Make eye contact. Say these phrases below to each other. Go slow. Breathe. There are no rules. Feel each other’s tenderness. This is how vulnerability works. The correct statement will make one or both of you cry, laugh, or reach out for connection.

Phrases to say that can help you make up

I felt afraid and I didn’t know what to say next.

I felt defensive and acted that way.

I’m not just sorry, but I will do better next time.

I felt unattractive to you and not desired.

I felt overwhelmed with my feelings.

I felt that I didn’t have any choices.

Even though I run away, what I really want is to connect with you.

I didn’t do well attempting to understand you.

I was sarcastic towards you.

I felt angry, and was loud with my voice and may have scared you.

I was too focused on being right, and did not listen to you.

My feelings can get easily hurt, and I attack instead of saying that.

I have no idea what I’m feeling, but I’m glad we are talking.

I criticized you. It happens automatically. I will be careful about that.

I felt criticized by you. I think maybe I do that to you also.

I feel powerless.

I did not feel understood.

I felt worried.

I want to love you better.

I feel sad.

It felt unfair.


About the Author: Derek HART is one of Your Monthly Mentors, a Relationship Coach, Speaker, Writer, and the founder of based in San Anselmo, California. He has been counseling people since 1990, with over 27,000 hours in experience. The unique experience he brings to his counseling practice is based upon years of doing his own deep inner work. A student and teacher of the human journey, Derek has continually studied the great works of the top psychology and spiritual masters of our time. Read More… 

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Cover Photo by Nathan McBride on Unsplash.