Your relationship only exists now. Well, at least that’s the only way that intimacy is built.
In romantic love, hurt happens. I’m not a pessimist. Hurt is one of the key places, if not THE key place, that a relationship’s closeness is built upon. Your closeness grows deeper with how you resolve hurt.
For example, 9 days ago you felt jealous that your girlfriend was emotionally open with another boy, and you witnessed it. If you’re describing what hurt 9 days ago, explaining MOST of the details of the event is NOT what will bring you closer. What you’re really fighting about is the lack of care that is happening right now, about that event that took place 9 days ago.
When you are endlessly describing the details about a past event and building your case about what hurt you and how wrong your partner was, you’re fighting about 9 days ago! Your fight is abstract! It’s not even happening right now.
Here’s some advice for the next time you and your partner are arguing about something that happened a few days, weeks, or months ago…
Bring the fight to NOW. Bring it to this present moment. Describe how you feel TODAY.
Say to your partner, “It felt so intimate how you were talking with that other kid. It made me realize that we haven’t been as close as we used to be and I miss you. It scared me to see you so open with him and it felt awful. I don’t want to lose you to him.”
Speak the truth about how you feel right now.
Perhaps you’ll hear, “I’m so sorry you feel that way. Tell me more. I want to be close with you too and I don’t want to lose you either.”
The truth is that you are never really hurt about 9 days ago… you are hurt that it’s not being cared about right now.
The human heart has an unreal capacity to only need now validated… and then the past is forgiven.
The tricky part is validating the now.
Ill leave you with one final tip… Be careful about your OWN expectations about how quickly you think your boyfriend or girlfriend should forgive you. They need to forgive in their own time and you need to be patient. And remember, your patience and understanding just may speed up that process.
About the Author: Derek HART is one of Your Monthly Mentors, a Relationship Coach, Speaker, Writer, and the founder of UnderstandEachOther.com based in San Anselmo, California. He has been counseling people since 1990, with over 27,000 hours in experience. The unique experience he brings to his counseling practice is based upon years of doing his own deep inner work. A student and teacher of the human journey, Derek has continually studied the great works of the top psychology and spiritual masters of our time. Read More…
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