“All evidence points to him!” This was what the moral compass in my head was yelling at me.
When I met my ex-husband for the first time, I was impressed by his intellectual intelligence. He seems to be able to manipulate quantum mathematical equations with the same ability he can easily pick up a single peanut with wooden chopsticks. It was like… love at first sight.
We became fast friends and when he asked me on a first date two years later, I felt really proud, as if I had ‘suddenly’ become someone important, someone worthy to be seen with someone like him.
When he asked me to marry him six months later, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world! I told everyone around me I had won the jackpot. Not only was he smart and good looking, he was ambitious, focused, and was making a truckload of money managing portfolios for a highly respected investment management firm. A ‘Cinderella Dream Come True’, isn’t it?
Fast forward fifteen years… On a sunny summer morning, with my heart in the gutter, I officially filed for divorce on my birthday. I was 40 years old.
Now, what would push anyone to be so hurt as to trash a relationship? I believe it all has to do with our moral compass and where it is pointing.
Let me explain.
It is often said, jealousy is a feeling, do you agree? Well, I want to take this general definition a lot deeper by adding, “Jealousy is more than a feeling, it is a showing.”
Jealousy is about:
● showing envy over achievements and perceived advantages
● showing hyper-protectiveness or vigilance of one’s rights or possessions
● showing suspicion of unfaithfulness in a relationship
Let’s go back to my past marriage, this is going to be interesting. Here I was, thinking I was in love with him, when actually, I was showing jealousy towards him.
Kind of crazy, isn’t it?
When we met, I was impressed by his intellectual intelligence. What this means is, I believed he was more intelligent than me. I secretly envied his academic achievements. He has five university degrees and I have only three. I often felt stupid around him.
He seems to be able to manipulate quantum mathematical equations with the same ability he can easily pick up a single peanut with wooden chopsticks. What this means is, he smiles easily, people seem to gravitate towards him naturally. I believed he was more appreciated than me. I secretly envied that he seemed to have access to the highest advantages in business circles, but not me. I often felt inadequate and unsuccessful around him.
We became fast friends and when he asked me on a first date, I felt really proud, as if I had ‘suddenly’ become someone important, someone worthy to be seen with someone like him. What this means is, I made him my everything; I made sure my heart, body, and soul belonged to him, and not to me. (I used to call this love by the way). I believed he was more valuable than me. I secretly envied his absence of insecurities. I often felt unworthy around him.
When he asked me to marry him six months later, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world! I told everyone around me I had won the jackpot. You tell me… with a shit show like this going on, a shit show where I believed he was smarter than me, more appreciated than me, more valuable than me, and more worthy than me, is it any wonder I filed for divorce on my 40th birthday?
Oh, and in case you wonder about the third showing – showing suspicion of unfaithfulness – this bloody sucker hovered over a large portion of our marriage. Both parties believed we had cheated on each other when neither had actually done it. This is the showing power of jealousy, all right! At the beginning of this article, I said, “All evidence points to him!”
But is it true? Is it always true?
Jealousy is never about the other person. Jealousy is about a lack of self-love, a feeling of unworthiness around our own self.
Now, let’s look at your moral compass more closely. When feeling jealous,
● Do you believe the other person is smarter than you?
● Do you believe the other person is prettier/ more handsome than you?
● Do you believe the other person is more important than you?
● Do you believe the other person is more valuable than you?
● Do you believe the other person is more worthy than you?
If you are like me in the past, you might answer yes to most or all of these questions. Based on this new evidence I have just shared on what jealousy is truly about, who needs to adjust their moral compass? You or other people?
I believe, like me, you get that we are the only ones who can adjust our own moral compass to point to our True North, aka Our Self.
Here are 5 tips on how to set true your moral compass on jealousy:
● Become your own best friend: Spend time alone discovering you, figure out what your wants and needs are. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” and give it to yourself. The more time you spend filling your own tank with love, the less dependent you will be on other people’s approval.
● Know thyself, know your inner qualities: Make a written list that you keep in your wallet or purse. Read it often. If you find it difficult to find your positive inner qualities, ask people you trust to openly share with you the greatness they see in you.
● Know thyself, know your outside triggers: Learn where your jealousy comes from. Insecurities are nothing but lies you believed from someone else from your past. Ask yourself, “This incident right now, who does this remind me of?” and heal this part of you away from making yourself or other people wrong.
● Surround yourself with people who empower you: Ask yourself, “Does this person drain me or fill me with joy?” I have found out the people who drain us are usually massively insecure. Insecure people tend to have low self-worth and we all know low self-worth people ‘love’ to show jealousy.
● Recite a mantra upon waking, mid-day, before going to bed, and as often as you can remember during the day: My mantra right now is, “I am a miracle of creation and I am worthy of a great love.” As a result of these five changes in my life, I have been able to equalize the relationship between my ex-husband and me because “What do you think happens to jealousy when our heart is filled with our own self-love?”
About the Author: Anne BEAULIEU is one of Your Monthly Mentors, an international speaker, empowering coach, and thought leader in the field of Emotional Intelligence and the Founder of Walking Inside Resources Inc. based in Vancouver, British Columbia. As an accomplished author and community builder, Anne is a powerful catalyst for positive change and embodies successful life strategies that keep empowering men and women across the globe. Read More…