Have you ever met your Ex’s new girlfriend and said something to yourself like, “Ugh, she’s not even pretty!”, or, “She’s fatter than me!” Or worse? Why does this knee-jerk, instinctive judgement happen even when we have long moved on from the relationship? Why are girls so quick to tear down other girls?
First of all, we react this way because we are in human bodies, having a human experience. Therefore, we instinctively want to protect ourselves, so we have a reflex reaction to throw up a defense. It’s natural human instinct.
I recently observed myself when I met my ex’s new girlfriend. Despite the fact that I am grateful to be apart from him, I still found myself initially judging this woman. I caught myself having a human moment, and quickly became mindful and consciously chose to select positive thoughts, and send her compassion instead.
I don’t need to tear her down to feel better, and in that moment I thought to myself, “If this happens to me, it must happen to others; and, if I’m an ADULT, how are TEEN girls dealing with this issue?
The truth is, if we want to live a life in alignment with integrity, and feel true happiness, we need to do better! When we recognize that tearing someone else down is just a reflection of tearing ourselves down, we truly gain freedom from suffering because we can then look at where these judgments stem.
We become programmed from a very early age with a set of beliefs and values such as what is good, bad, pretty, ugly, etc., and to start releasing this programming, we must understand that our judgments are the manifestation of these “Agreements” we made when we were learning to communicate.
Don Miguel Ruiz’s, “The Four Agreements”, teaches the Ancient Mayan Toltec wisdom passed on to each generation, and how judgment of self and others happens when we hold onto fear-based beliefs & feelings, and use words to support them.
Learn the powerful teachings of the Agreements earlier in life, and save yourself years of needless suffering! I plan to be your guide through The Four Agreements, in plain Teen English!
In this article, I am focused on the first of the Four Agreements:
Be impeccable with your word.
Being impeccable with your word means, do your best to not use words against yourself or others. Don’t gossip. When you hear others gossip, don’t participate. Don’t put yourself down. Be kind to yourself when you are looking in the mirror & at pictures of yourself. Focus on what you love about yourself, and use your words to spread love and joy.
We tear each other down by using words that are rooted in fear, not love. Being impeccable with your word starts with how you speak to and talk about yourself.
We don’t need to punish ourselves for having instinctual reactions of judging ourselves or others, we simply need to correct this mistake in our thinking. The new girlfriend is never the enemy. She has her own light to shine, and we wish her peace, because she is just another you.
At the end of writing this article, I pulled a card from my Four Agreements deck of Cards, to offer this message to everyone reading this now. Mind you, I happened to pull a card under the heading of: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD so it was perfect to share:
“The human mind is like a fertile ground where seeds are perpetually being planted. When you are impeccable with your word, you replace fear-based words with loving ones. Then, your mind is no longer fertile ground for words that come from fear; your mind is only fertile with words that come from love”.
The more words of love we select, the more we tune out fear & find inner peace true happiness. Start by observing the way you talk to yourself & consciously choose thoughts of love.
Ask yourself, “If my future daughter ever heard me say this, would I want that to be her internal voice?”
If you would like to learn more about The Four Agreements, please check out The Four Agreements by Diana Rose Kottle.
About the Author: Amy MOORE, PhD, LMFT is one of Your Monthly Mentors, a licensed family therapist. As a seasoned clinician for over 18 years, Dr. Moore blends her expert clinical skills and highly dialed-in intuition to effectively assess, support, and empower teens and young girls to build their inner strength and self-love, and to cultivate healthy self-esteem. She received her Master’s Degree and Doctoral Degree in Couple and Family Therapy and spent her early years in the field doing research and clinical work with children in the foster care system. She is currently the founder of “Hope For the Girls”, a support group that brings teen and single young adult girls together in an online mentorship community. Read More…