Telling Your Partner What Is Bothering You Is The Least Effective Way To Connect With Them
The key to healing a relationship is not being kind, learning to stop criticizing, being nice, compromising, finding compassion, finding a win-win, allowing for differences, managing anger, or extending empathy.
Those are all behaviors or actions that keep you working hard at having the feelings you want to have.
Those are all behaviors that make you lean forward in your chair and push for closeness, or run away from closeness.
You have to lean back in your chair… and become vulnerable.
When you become vulnerable, it disarms your partner.
Your partner then has a chance to become calmer, and then kindness, compromise, compassion, win-wins, and empathy will come.
Couples try to skip this step.
They try to alter their behavior to get the results they want.
They learn about the opposite sex, and try to learn techniques that the other wants.
Vulnerability is a universal language.
It make us human.
It makes it safe to connect.
It is the only way that these behavior changes are real and lasting.
“I want to make this better, and each time I say something, you get mad. That must mean you’re expecting me to criticize you. It’s understandable. I feel that way sometimes too. I just don’t know what to say or do in order to fix things between us. Please know one thing. If I knew how, I would. And I know you would too. I’m so sorry we’re in this place, but I’m committed to figuring it out.”
It’s hard because we have to make it known that we’re incompetent.
Therein lies the power to reconnect.
When couples leave counseling and are struggling with reconnecting, one or both are not willing to do the above.
I not only teach them how to do this, but I teach them why to do this.
I help people find their willingness.
About the Author: Derek HART is one of Your Monthly Mentors, a Relationship Coach, Speaker, Writer, and the founder of UnderstandEachOther.com based in San Anselmo, California. He has been counseling people since 1990, with over 27,000 hours in experience. The unique experience he brings to his counseling practice is based upon years of doing his own deep inner work. A student and teacher of the human journey, Derek has continually studied the great works of the top psychology and spiritual masters of our time. Read More…