Question: My boyfriend is always getting mad at me. Whenever I say no to something he wants to do or going over his house, he’s mad. When I have plans, even with my parents, he tells me I don’t care about him and when I want to hang with friends instead of him, it turns into a big fight and he just keeps calling when I’m out.
But when we are together, he’s the nicest guy and all he wants to do is make me happy. All he wants to do is be with me. How do you spend time with everyone you love without hurting any others?
Answer: Sorry to hear that you are experiencing this in your relationship. Your boyfriend-as great as he is when you are together-is acting quite possessive, jealous, and controlling. In a healthy relationship, you are free to spend time apart as you please; you feel safe maintaining relationships with others that you care about. You come back together and are excited to share what you have experienced when you were apart.
While it may be flattering that your boyfriend wants to make you his world, it is very dangerous for you both. He needs to have a life outside of the relationship just as much as you do.
Please let him know that you wish to maintain relationships with your family and friends and that this does not take away from your desire to be with him. You will have to reassure him of your feelings for him, as he seems very insecure in his attachment style.
You can give the relationship some more time to see if he can accept this and not start fights with you, but if this continues, I seriously hope you will consider leaving the relationship so that he can work on himself.
To be honest with you: His behavior is scary, and it sounds like it could become abusive if he continues to try and isolate you from others in your life. I think that your boyfriend needs therapy. It is not your job to “fix” him, but perhaps you can help him see how his thoughts and behaviors are unhealthy.
If he can’t accept this, move forward without him.
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About the Expert: Rachel RUSSO, MS, MFT is one of Your Monthly Mentors, a Matchmaker, Dating & Relationship Coach, Author & Speaker. She has a master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy from Iona College, a BA in Psychology from Rutgers University, and a certification as an Intentional Relationship Coach. Rachel is the founder of Rachel Russo Relationships-a NYC-based dating and relationship consultancy-and has worked as a matchmaker for twelve years. She currently acts as the resident relationship expert on Brooklyn Savvy Tv, is a matchmaker with Lisa Clampitt Matchmaking, and trains entrepreneurs at Matchmaking Institute. Her drive, credentials, and unique experience make her the ultimate dating and relationship expert. Read More…